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One of the most stressful parts of being a teacher is dealing with angry parents. Even when they have the best of intentions, it often feels like most parents just add to the workload of a teacher by questioning their curriculum choices, wanting constant updates, and making special requests for their child.
When they become angry, it can feel like they are questioning the teachers professionalism, and creating a battle over who knows more about education. This battle can become even more serious and tense when it becomes ideological and one side fears that the child will or won’t be taught something that is immoral.
While teachers certainly know more about education than most parents, according to research, this sense of battling for “what is right” needs to be stamped down immediately in order to resolve conflicts peacefully. Most research on conflict resolution is based on international conflicts, but father and mother bears will fight just as fiercely as any soldier to protect their child and ensure they receive the best education possible.
Additionally, new research just released this year actually suggests that the language chosen when making proposals to parents should always be their mother tongue and not a lingua franca.
What is a Lingua Franca?
A lingua franca is a common language used among speakers of various languages. English works as a lingua franca in many scenarios, such as between airline crews as they work internationally. French, Mandarin, and Arabic are also common lingua francas around the world that help to bind peoples of various linguistic backgrounds together and allow them to communicate more freely.
Why Lingua Francas should be avoided when dealing with angry parents.
While lingua francas are incredibly useful they are not without drawbacks. While they allow people who would otherwise not be able to communicate to speak to one another, that communication is not as smooth as it would be in their mother tongue which can lead to misunderstandings
Recently released research suggests that proposals received from a perceived opponent in a conflict are viewed less generously when they are in a lingua franca than when they are in their mother tongue. In the words of the researchers themselves:
“Three experimental studies revealed that a peace-building proposal presented in a lingua franca is perceived as less favorable to one’s own side than a proposal presented in one’s native tongue. Specifically, our studies demonstrated that the use of a lingua franca elicits higher levels of hatred and lower levels of sympathy, thereby reducing the perceived favorability of the proposal. Broadly, these findings indicate that the seemingly innocuous choice of the language could have serious implications for conflict resolution” (Grant et al.)
While this study was conducted with international relations, such as the conflict between Israel and Palestine, in mind it is actually equally important of a finding for schools that often deal with parents from a variety of linguistic backgrounds. International schools in particular should seriously consider if they can create an organized system to be able to communicate with parents of various linguistic backgrounds in their mother tongue, when conflict situations arise.
While it might not always be possible to have every message and meeting written in a parent’s mother tongue, that is not necessarily required to have an impact. In fact, if parents have a solid grasp of the lingua franca, they may be insulted that the school is always responding to them in their mother tongue.
Instead, teachers and schools should continue to utilize lingua francas for the majority of interactions, as they are convenient for a reason. However, whenever dealing with angry parents, perhaps having an email drafted and translated by someone who speaks their mother tongue may make a significant difference in how they view that proposal according to this research.
Similarly, most parent-teacher meetings should simply continue in the lingua franca chosen by the school. If a time arises where there may be a more heated and tense meeting, it may make sense to invite a third party who speaks their mother tongue to help ensure everything is clear and received favorably by the parents.
This can often best be done when the third party is an administrator. Rather than parents feeling like their language skills are being questioned, the administrator can simply act as if the conversation has been elevated to involve the school’s higher ups. This will not only ensure parents get the mother tongue benefits suggested by this research, but it will also show parents that the school is taking their concerns seriously and this is not simply the whims of an individual teacher.
How teachers can keep conflicts from escalating when dealing with angry parents.
In addition to trying to send official communication and having high level meetings in the parents’ mother tongue, there are several other suggestions conflict resolution research provides to help teachers deal with angry parents. These tips are important for teachers and administrators to understand in order to keep the peace when dealing with angry parents, but also to be able to do what is best for the students by helping parents to understand the teacher and school’s point of view.
Be aware of the research on conflict and conflict resolution.
Research was conducted using several games based on the Hirshleifer–Skaperdas conflict game that pit players against one another and mimic how real world conflicts arise. Players had to choose how much of their money from their production to invest in conflict based on the actions of their opponent.
While only games, the researchers found many common themes that were mirrored in real world conflicts. The more they felt their opponent would invest in conflict, the more they invested themselves as whoever had invested more points into conflict would end up taking the points of their opponent in “conquest.
In order for conflicts to not escalate when dealing with angry parents, it is important to not fall into common traps that simply make conflict inevitable. According to the research on conflict, participants in the game most often invested in conflict for one of two reasons.
The first reason is defending one’s own resources when they are under threat from a perceived outsider. Loved ones are the most precious resource to any person, but this is most true for parents.
The second reason the researchers found was to not lose face. When conflict is portrayed as a zero sum game where one player is a loser and the other a winner, regardless of the resources, people would invest more in conflict.
On top of this, one of the conflict games allowed the player to destroy their own resources to keep them out of enemy hands. Even though this cost the player themselves, the more heated the conflict got, the more likely players were to use “scorched earth tactics” ensuring neither side would win.
The study found that the most peaceful and efficient players ended up working together to find solutions where they did not need to invest in conflict and could focus on their own production. This was no simple task, however.
According to the researchers, “To attain peace, players must first engage in costly signaling by making themselves vulnerable and by forgoing the possibility to appropriate the resources of defeated opponents.” (Lacomba et al.) This means that in order to find peaceful solutions to the conflict, players first need to show that they are not invested in conflict even when it may benefit themselves or cause them to lose out.
Teachers, therefore, need to make it very clear that they are on the parents’ side and work to build lasting relationships rather than entrench themselves in a battle of ideology. This is easier said than done, but there are ways to increase the chances of finding a peaceful solution.
Understand that the stakes are very high for parents.
The image of a mother bear protecting her cubs is very true as well in humans, and is not limited to mothers alone. If parents view a teacher’s decisions as threatening their child’s education or safety, there is almost no way to avert a heated conflict.
Because of this, when dealing with angry parents, it is crucial that the school side do anything in their power to show parents that both sides are fighting for the same cause: the child’s wellbeing. If schools simply dismiss parents as irrational, there is a high likelihood that the parent will sense this and simply entrench themselves more in their defensive position.
Be willing to negotiate when dealing with angry parents.
According to the research, “individuals with strong-enough social preferences are willing to cooperate on the peaceful outcome if they are certain-enough that the other player also possesses strong-enough social preferences.” (Lacomba et al.)
When dealing with angry parents, teachers need to show that they are willing to negotiate and not start ideological battles that will simply entrench parents further. Offering parents options will help them see that the school is not being unreasonable and make them more likely to reciprocate in finding a common ground or compromise.
Contextualize teacher suggestions as benefits for the parents.
Even if there are red lines that the school is not willing to budge on, it is important to avoid portraying them as such. Instead, it is better to talk about why the teacher feels that their position will benefit the child.
If teachers or admin portray their position as “requirements for graduation” or “important for the school’s ethos” then this puts the focus on the school and its demands rather than the reasons for those requirements. Instead, the focus should be on what the child will get out of the experience and how the parents and school can work together to mitigate the concerns the parent has.
For example, instead of simply stating that a course or book is part of the curriculum, the teacher should explain the reasons that they made the decision to include it and what they hope the child will take away. When there is an ideological concern, teachers should ensure parents understand that the school is not preaching to their child, but simply exposing them to various ways of thinking.
Children will inevitably be exposed to things that they or their parents disagree with or even think is immoral. The teacher should suggest that the safe environment of the school is actually the best place to be first exposed to these types of controversial topics as multiple points of view will be discussed and the children can always go back home and discuss what they have learned with their parents and why they hold their beliefs on the topic.
If children are put into a bubble until they graduate and only exposed later in life or even just in college, they will be less likely to discuss what they are learning with their parents and understand their point of view. This can lead to the child actually deviating further from the parent’s core values rather than being exposed when the parent can explain their point of view to counter the teacher’s perspective.
Selfless behavior can de-escalate conflict when dealing with angry parents.
While not always feasible for a busy teacher, the research showed that clearly selfless behavior can signal a high level of investment in peace and allow the other party to lower their defensive guard. According to the study, “Selfless behavior in post-conflict stages helps groups attain peace.” (Lacomba et al.)
It is always a big ask for a teacher to add to their busy plates, but when possible, if a teacher can show that they are willing to go above and beyond for the child, this can cause parents to not only be less defensive, but also trust the teacher more as a team member rather than an opponent.
Regularly communicate and create community with parents before conflict arises.
The last piece of advice from the study was that the more that the two conflicting parties met, the more likely they were to reach a peaceful solution. The study found that “with repeated interaction, conflict decreases due to some groups attaining peaceful relations.” (Lacomba et al.)
Though it might seem counterintuitive to continue to scratch old wounds, simply ignoring the disagreement simply leads to bad feelings simmering and worsening over time. Instead, keeping a regular open line of communication allows for there to be more chances to find common ground and understanding.
Repeated meetings should not only happen after relationships have soured, however. In order to prevent conflict from arising in the first place, teachers should invest time in creating relationships with parents so that a positive relationship is formed.
“In our games, if a pair of players shares a strong-enough tie then they both will be willing to spend zero points on conflict” (Lacomba et al.) Teachers need to spend time and effort creating relationships with parents through emails and other interactions so that when conflict inevitably arises, parents already have a positive connection that will reduce their desire to escalate conflict.
Though it may seem like more work, and it is, keeping parents in the loop and inviting them to various functions can prevent conflicts before they arise. This may seem like more work in the beginning, but in the end, it may make for less work overall and a more peaceful year for both parents and teachers.
Conclusion
Dealing with angry parents can sometimes seem impossible. Parents have strong opinions and are unlikely to change their beliefs when their child’s education is on the line.
These studies show that there are ways that can work to not only lessen conflict, but also prevent it from forming in the first place. “In summary, the actions that lead to peaceful relationships are those that entail subjects unambiguously forgoing earnings in a way that benefits their opponent.” (Lacomba et al.)
While most international conflict is truly a zero sum game where one party must lose something and one party gain, the benefit in parent teacher relationships is that both parties simply want what is best for the child. Therefore it is most important to focus less on ideological differences and their importance but instead focus on how both points of view are beneficial for the child.
If teachers can show that they are on the same side, parents are less likely to invest in conflict. Listening to their concerns and then working to find ways to deal with their legitimate concerns will show that teachers are not there to indoctrinate their children.
Similarly, regularly having communication and creating relationships with parents will give both parties a chance to understand the other as a person and not simply as an opponent in a conflict. While this certainly requires work, in the end, the study on conflict shows that this is the most efficient and peaceful solution for all involved.
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References
Grant, Leigh H. et al. “Lingua Franca As A Hidden Barrier To Conflict Resolution”. Journal Of Conflict Resolution, 2022, p. 002200272211233. SAGE Publications, https://doi.org/10.1177/00220027221123316. Accessed 24 Sept 2022.
Lacomba, Juan A. et al. “On The Escalation And De-Escalation Of Conflict”. Games And Economic Behavior, vol 86, 2014, pp. 40-57. Elsevier BV, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.geb.2014.03.006. Accessed 26 Sept 2022.
